Sheriff's Report Number 446, by Sheriff Ralph Billings

In my hometown newspaper, the local sheriff has a column that’s one of the longest features in each weekly edition. I believe it’s syndicated to other weeklies in the area as well. In a single breath (and with very little trace of irony), his writing documents both the innocence and the underbelly of small town life. He'll humorlessly describe the calf that got loose in the same paragraph as the meth lab that caught fire in the back room of a daycare.

From a Sheriff's Report published last summer, I transcribed the following text verbatim. The fact that I spent that much time typing it is a testament to how much I enjoy the column, but I got an interesting lesson in nostalgia shortly after I’d completed the transcription: at first, I was gloating over this sacrificial exercise – how I’d uncovered an arcane relic of rural Texas and made it available to the world online -- but then a quick Google search led me to the internet archives of this guy’s articles – and they’re even available from multiple links (like this one: Teague Chronicle) . . . If you dare to read other installments of the column, you’ll see that the one I've included below is not at all unusual – they’re all like this.

So, beyond that introduction, I’m going to resist the temptation for color commentary and just let the piece speak for itself.

Sheriff's Report Number 446
Sheriff Ralph Billings
Teague Chronicle

TPD Sykora arrests motorist on 6th, Anderson County Warrant. Wade Harrison arrests another, US-84, three City of Fairfield Warrants. FPD to Hemale/Shemale Troubles, KFC parking lot. TPD Martin to Pecan, Mother/Son Troubles. Dep. Harrison to report of loud party, Southern Oaks.

A few days ago we had an inmate carried to the ER due to seizures. He has a history of this problem, and other inmates stated that he fell to the floor with a seizure. The ER located bleeding present on the brain so he was helicoptered to Tyler. Later information of the next day indicates that he was struck by another inmate, went to the floor. Now on a ventilator in Tyler Hospital in serious shape.

Deputy Elom checks on welfare of resident, FCR-271. Deputies Robert Elom and Elena Tayor change flat tire for stranded Lady, IH-45. 911 Bounce advises of Grassfire Troubles, US-79 at LCR 542, Leon County S.O. advised of same. Loose cow, Hwy. 164, Leon County S.O. advised of same. Large number of differing calls reporting reckless drivers, passing on shoulder, tailgating, running over a hundred, etc. I guess the moon was just in the wrong phase this weekend.

City Worker called out, S. 11th, Teague. Wortham VFD and Mexia EMS to West Brazos, someone fell. Goats reported being attacked by Pit Bulls, FCR 536. DPS Adams to accident, Donie, driver intoxicated, in Jail now. TPD sykora arrests man at Dap’s, Mary Jane. Dep. Harrison to FCR-949, someone knocking on window, whistling to open up. FEMS to Peachtree, husband in sever pain. Lady with brand new cell phone dials 911 . . ... Yep, it works!

Transformer blows out at Bobo’s Nursery between Buffalo and Jewett, 911 comes in here, call transferred. Hope it’s up and running again, the little begonias and periwinkles with a smile in every bloom! Mother/Grown Son Troubles, FCR-959, Mister Elom spots the problem real quick . . . . The house just too small. Dew VFD to grassfire, Mile 189. Deputy Aldrich to trailer stolen, building burglarized, items stolen, FCR-520.

Deputies Shipley and Yancy to/from Gurney Unit, prisoner transport. Also assisted with mental commitment, as did Deputies McClelland and Walker. Dep. Diana Willis to FM-416, fishing gear stolen. Brown, skinny dog tearing up Lady’s trash on Comal, Wortham. THDEMS and Teague VFD to possible stroke, US-84, Teague. Elderly man having many troubles lately, twice reported to have pulled a gun on others, in a scuffle with FPD, tried to take one of their guns away . . ..Pretty serious deal. Believe it to be a dementia problem getting worse daily. Has always been a good man, never a problem with anyone or for anyone, now, all of that has changed.

Troubles over a dog, FCR 296, first believed stolen . . .. later came back home. Two traveling salesmen, selling meat out of their pickup, causing concerns with rural dweller. Deputy Cory House to Hemale/Shemale Troubles, Shemale barricaded in room, Hemale drags her out of closet, begins whupping on her while she’s trying to talk on 911. Hemale arrested, Assault Family Violence , Interfere with Emergency Phone Call, plus an Outstanding Warrant for Hot Checkin’.

THDEMS to Main, someone turning blue, choking on a cookie. Later found out this led to death. A most unfortunate occurrence. Deputies Aldrich and House to Lakeshore Drive, young Lady wanting to leave a residence, Boyfried won’t let her. Car wrecks, hits fence, DPS Putz to same, FCR-1080. Traveling man off the Interstate making peach sales staff very uncomfortable. FPD B. Billy Barlow to same. Deputy Howerton to Oak Forest, trash cans reported stolen. Two customers reported at McDonalds threatening to fight with guns and knives, FPD to same.

Injured fawn carried to animal rehab. TPD Martin jails motorist, local Teague Warrant. FPD to Oak on report of Assaulted Lady. FPD Kindon arrests one of two kinsmen having troubles with each other, Interfere with Emergency Call.

Two young daughters and waitress Judy Jones pull a surprise Birthday Celebration on Paston Ken Pruitt of First Baptist Church, Fairfield at Sam’s Restaurant on Wednesday. FPD advised of missing 13 year old, Anderson Lane. Troubles on South Lincoln, caller advises husband struck wife, disconnected phone and disabled her car. Lady 911’s, truck broke down, in shade under bridge, IH-45 by Love’s, kids pelting rocks at the truck from atop the bridge.

Doctor Chopper coming into Wortham Football Field to pick up patient being brought to same, Wortham VFD standing by scene. FEMS, Fairfield VFD and DPS Curtis Putz to Mile 200, motorcycle wrecked out after striking tire carcass in road. TPD Martin to report of drunken man causing problems on Ash. Also to key locked in vehicle on Barbara. Dep. Aldrich ascertaining if all is secure at residence on FM-1580.

Loose cow, FM-2547. Butler and Fairfield VFD’s to structure fire, US-84. Al and Jo Samons down for a visit from Dallas, both looking great. Another report of the Harris County Jail Phone Scam occurs in north part of County, handled just right, did not accept collect call, did not hit the Star button on phone. Mother fins Runaway son, FCR-711, but he bolts again. TPD Martin to report of four fighting on Atwood. Oil company cutting man’s fence, letting cows out, FM 2547.

6 cows out, FM-416 in Navarro County. All available units to IH-45 Coffee Shop parking lot, folks reported fighting, windshield broken, baseball bats being brandished. Flat bed trailer reported stolen, S. 3rd, Wortham PD to same. Railroad arms drop on top of Lady’s car, Wortham, WPD to same.

Started this column with information on one Inmate assaulting another in Jail, one of the two in serious shape in Hospital. Glad to report he is up, walking around, talking, fixing to be released.

Congratulations Ray Hallmark on receiving 60 Year Award as Masonic Member. A super nice guy, one of the best you’ll ever meet. Always upbeat with a smile on his face. Never crotchety, dour, or cross. Has brought much sunshine into many lives. FEMS to FCR-502, many dizzy, can’t move.

Cooler temperatures much appreciated and enjoyed by all.

ALL READERS-EFFECTIVE 7-16-09 THE BURN BAN IS BACK IN EFFECT.