The Birth Plan

Today, I’m troubled. We’re somewhere between 15 and 32 weeks along, but my wife has yet to develop a detailed and comprehensive birth plan. (The Birth Plan!, as it’s called in the prenatal dimension). I’m worried. This thing could happen any day now and she’s not prepared. But I’m gradually coming to accept this; in lieu of her birth plan, I’m going to go ahead and create my own.

For the unitiated, The Birth Plan is important because – let’s face it – the day of my first child’s birth is going to be a very special time that will hold a place in my heart for years to come; and like any other parent, I want to make sure I’ve let all those around me know my expectations so they can help make it as heartwarming and meaningful for me as possible. Here are my requirements:

1. No screaming or loud noises. I can’t explain to you how much I hate noise pollution. I need to be calm (to a zen-like degree, really) to fully appreciate this experience. If someone’s yelling, or groaning, or huffing and puffing – well, not only will that be extremely insensitive – but that sort of nonsense will distract me from the beauty of the experience. I don’t want to be distracted from the beauty of the experience.


2. Absolutely no blood or bodily fluids of any sort. I’m squeamish – I can’t help it, it’s just part of my composition. This could be my one and only chance to experience such a succinct transcendence of my mortality – the survival and triumphant prolonging of my genetic code . . . How can I be expected to fully appreciate it when it looks like there’s been a massacre in the place? There's a good reason gangland warfare and serene reflection don’t go hand in hand . . . and if I faint and miss the delivery, that’s really going to suck. Big time.


3. Unlimited supplies of humanely raised, pan-seared foie gras. Nothing says "Celebration!" like overfed fowl liver. I’m especially insistent on this point in particular. A selection of nice cheeses wouldn’t be a bad touch either. Moreover, if this thing lasts more than an hour or so, I know I'm going to get pretty hungry. I wonder if there's any way to relocate at the last minute, maybe to a nice restaurant, based on whatever I'm hungry for at the time. That's not a bad idea to include in my birth plan, but I'll have to give it some more thought.


4. Annual passes to Schlitterbahn. This is a moment we’ll each want to relive, over and over.