"Go West, and catalog all the flora and fauna."

That's roughly what Jefferson had to say to his henchmen Lewis and Clark. I paraphrased, but that's how I remember learning about the expedition in elementary school.

Which brings me to the key reason I didn’t like our first (and only) visit to the hospital. Even though the nurse who gave us a tour was a very nice and pleasant lady, and even though I might have been the only one to notice, there were a couple of gaffes on her part. First of all, she was explaining some kind of ointment or medication they smear all of the baby immediately after s/he’s born. That’s perfectly acceptable, of course. But in her explanation of this medical procedure, she said that it was b/c the baby is exposed to various “flora and fauna” as it escapes the human compost bin it has been living in for 9 or so months. “Flora and fauna”? Was the exotic language really necessary? Did she have to get 19th century on us? I’m all for manners and polite, educational discussion, but that just gave me some messed up imagery. Now, I’m (justifiably) concerned that my kid’s going to get attacked by antelope right as s/he’s being born, or at least stumble over some poisonous cactus on the way out. That would be awful. At this stage, we're just going to have to cross our fingers that Sacagawea shows up as our midwife, in which case it should be smooth sailing.

Point of concern number two. The nurse kept referring to our kid as “Baby.” Not “the baby” or “your baby,” but just “Baby”. "When Baby is born, Baby gets a security band wrapped around its wrist . . . when Baby is coming out, the umbilical chord could get wrapped around Baby's neck." There were other people on the tour, and it didn’t seem to affect them at all. As far as I’m concerned, though, this is seriously poor form on her part. Has she seen Dirty Dancing? I don’t know about the other parents who were on the tour, but Patrick Swayze is the last person I want to imagine my young, impressionable child in a relationship with. Not to mention that any references to movies with sub-plots involving abortion is just not appropriate for the Labor and Delivery area of a hospital. I guess I’m lucky she didn't make subtle allusions to Cider House Rules.